When Your Boyfriend Insults You

N is generally pretty good at dishing out the compliments. He’s never said a single negative thing about my appearance and his mushy nickname for me is “pretty lady”. I know, vomit, but it makes me smile.

So every once and a while when he drops a couple doozies, I’m a little blindsided. Ahem, N, please keep in mind who cooks your meals and irons your shirts next time you want to dish these out.

“Do you maybe want to put pants on?”

Aca-scuse me? I didn’t move in with you to be judged constantly. In fact, I thought you’d kind of appreciate this one.

Just because it’s after 2pm on a Sunday, does not mean there is suddenly a pants requirement. Best solution? Shrug. Dirty look.

“It’s not that you embarrass me when you dance in public. It’s just that you’re embarrassing yourself so much that people don’t even notice I’m with you.”

I aim to entertain.

“You know, I think you are losing weight. Your wrists look really skinny.”

Say what? My wrists?! Of all the parts of my body that may look just a teeny tiny bit skinnier, you went with wrists?

I have been on what can only be described as a crash diet since the second I bought my plane ticket to California and I’ve been getting my workout on errryday. After all, isn’t that the natural reaction to knowing that you’re going to see tons of people you haven’t seen in 3 years?

But boyfriend, I assure you that my wrists have not lost a single ounce and are just the same as they’ve always been. Please note that if I complain about my upper arms, love handles, or thighs on the daily, perhaps those features are the ones you should mention. Just sayin’.

“Public school failed you.”

We were letting the dog out during a mild thunderstorm and I wanted to stand under a tree for safety.

Listen, we didn’t get thunderstorms where I grew up, mmkay? (Did you know that about California?) So when it’s lightning-ing outside and I want to stand closer to a tree, just tell me that’s not the thing to do and let’s move on. I thought if you stood near tall things that you’d be safer because then you’re not the tallest thing. How bout I just go inside and YOU let the dog out?

“You and Archie really do have the same hair color.”

This is only okay when I say it. Now I feel like you just called me a golden retriever.

So see, even my super nice guy puts his foot in his mouth occasionally. I forgive quickly because he agrees to do things like help me take 800 portraits of Archie, doesn’t complain that I have 5 unfinished DIY projects hanging around the apartment, and he loves brunch as much as I do. Brunch is really the way to a girls heart.

———————————————–

You know Beth from Hang On, Honey. If you don’t, where the hell have you been? Because this girl shot into the blogosphere faster than I got bangs and started hating them (that’s fast, people). Beth is in the middle of planning her big day and has managed to talk about her wedding a lot while not being annoying about it. This is an anomaly, folks.

Her take on pinterest fitspiration pictures was hilarious and I’ve used every one of her excuses. Hey, if you already showered once today, that’s reason enough to consider skipping a workout. Need a little inspiration to start lifting weights? I’ve never seen a better case for lifting weights than her before and after pictures. And in case you want to peek inside Beth’s worst nightmares, check out the anatomy of a wedding nightmare. Need more Beth in your life? You do. Find her on Bloglovin or tweet at her and give her your best workout excuse.

YOU MIGHT LIKE:
  • Haha- oh boys- how they always manage to screw up a compliment, I will never know!!

    And I seriously love your dog- so cute!!

  • Ok, seriously last week I thought to myself, “My wrists look bigger than normal!!!” So if someone told my my wrists looked skinnier I’d be like, “THANK YOU!” but also like, “My butt looks smaller too…..riiiiiiight???” And I think I stared at that gif of Mike for a solid five minutes.

  • UMMM the first one? I call our apartment the No Pants Palace. No pants is always acceptable and should be encouraged.

  • Pants are seriously overrated. Seriously.

  • I never wear pants. pants are dumb.

  • This was charmingly funny. These don’t seem like intentional insults… just the backhanded accidents. Thanks for making me smile today. And now, I’m off to check out Beth’s blog.

  • You might not know about thunderstorms, but surely you could school him in earthquake safety? 🙂

  • lol!! My husband is that way…”does this shirt look okay?” “ummm, your hair looks nice.” I didnt ask you that, bum!

  • Your wrists look skinny.. that one made me LOL. Men just don’t seem to get it.. just tell me that my butt looks smaller even if it’s not true! 😉

  • And when you get married…it only gets worse. It was so hot this weekend in Cali and when I asked my husband how my hair looked after a whole day out..his response? “A little flat..” Then after I gave him a certain look and maybe a middle finger, he says “what? I thought you always wanted me to be honest with you?” Haha… and is it a longer hair dog thing with the cute crimpy, 80’s hair by their ears?? I love it on Bella. Happy Monday girly…flaunt those wrists 😉

  • but archie has the most beautiful color blond, so really that last one is a compliment!

  • This is hysterical, I love these quotes!

    xx
    Kelly
    Sparkles and Shoes

  • This post completely cracked me up! 1) I’m moving in with my boyfriend in two weeks and if he EVER asks me to put pants on, I’m so doing the shrug, dirty look…because there’s no way that that’s happening. And I totally understand- when you’ve been working out constantly and he compliments something (while totally trying) that you never even thought was a problem. “Well, thanks, babe. I’m glad to hear that my ankles are looking a bit more slender today…” What?! Yep.

    http://www.kayliwanders.com

  • Do sweatpants count?

  • This post is hysterical! My roommate left for the beach on Friday and I didn’t wear pants all weekend (except when I had to go to the grocery store). I think that’s absolutely acceptable in your own home! 🙂 Men…

  • Fabulous! Totally made my Monday!!! As awesome as the pants thing is – the dancing comment is what really got me!!!

    LittleBirdBlogs

  • Haha. Boyyyys and their language skills. 😛 As long as you know that he really does not mean them in a awful way, let’s laugh! 😛

    http://between-friends-fashion.blogspot.com/

  • HA-larious … seriously the things that my man says about my fashion/clothing choices never ceases to amaze me… like I seriously look forward to what he is going to say next. His new habit is to not say anything (he might have been scolded a few too many times) & just stare at whatever he is confused by… sock bun, ripped jeans, caged foot contraptions, sequined anything… you know, the usual!
    xx
    Here&Now
    Enter my $50 J.Crew giftcard giveaway!

  • Haha. I never wear pants at home. In fact, my post Friday featured a picture of me sneakily not wearing pants! And yes, I follow and love everything Beth posts!

  • Men! LOL They can be the sweetest but then 5 minutes later the dumbest….

  • Haha these crack me up! My favorite is when I hear “That is what you are wearing?” Um obviously, because it is what I have on!!! Since when did you become queer eye for the straight guy, we are heading to Walmart not a fashion show! By Walmart standards, my Nike shorts are over dressing!

  • Hahah I love these! I’ve heard the wrists thing myself – so insulting! And my husband is constantly telling me how my pit bull, Chester, and I look so much alike. Which, like you said, is fine if I say it. 🙂

  • I teach little kids, and one group I had last summer called me “Orange-Head” the whole time because I had red-ish highlights in my hair. One kid told me I looked just like his dog. I know they’re just kids, but it made me cry. At least you were compared to something you love dearly?

  • Oh gosh these are too funny! I wish I wrote down the things my boyfriend says when he puts his foot in his mouth.. Unfortunately I am the one with my foot in my mouth, constantly.

  • Haha love the sonny wrist comment.. At least he said you were skinny though! I asked my boyfriend if he thought I was gaining weight once and he said “we all put on a winter layer.”

  • he complains about your no pants? mine only complains if the blinds are open!

    if it makes you feel better, Sean has insulted my lack of topical knowledge TWICE by saying “SOMEONE didn’t do boy scouts!”

    duh, baby!

    Anyway, enjoyed these all!

  • this cracked me up. I avoid pants at all cost.

  • all i have to say is at least his insults are entertaining! and we have no pants rule in our house. what’s the point of wearing something uncomfortable when you’re at home? that’s just crazy.

  • You’d think he’d appreciate the no pants thing? Boys are so full of mystery.

  • This was a bloody funny post…………….

  • I’m glad my boyfriend has never asked me if I’m going to put pants on. Sometimes (all the time) it’s just a no-pants Sunday (weekend) for goshsakes.

  • this is too funny. but, really, since when do guys mind their girl being pantsless..? I’m confused. 🙂

  • This post is so funny! Thanks for sharing 🙂

    x Natalie

  • Reading this post as my boyfriend insults my breath after eating a salad with onions…

  • This is a hilarious post! And i absolutely love the photo of you and your dog! its so cute!!

  • Oh my goodness this is fabulous. My husband has a way with words where most compliments are questionably insults. I find it hilarious… So when he is ACTUALLY insulting me I haven’t a clue (or at least I just pretend he’s being complimentary).

    And, we (being my family and friends) say that my husband is a golden retriever in human form. Not only because of his hair color, but also because of his behavior. The man is loyal as all get out and if you need someone to excitedly welcome you home, he’s damn good at it.

  • Very funny post, and the pants thing is cracking me up…I thought guys would love it more too if we didnt wear pants….sexy right?!!!

    LOL!

    Dinah @ Sunshine super glam

  • Ok girls, just read this and laughed and actually thought the dog/hair comment is cute, he’s BEAUTIFUL and his hair is stunning, I seriously wouldn’t be insulted by that whatosever…

    Actually fishing for advice here. Ages ago my boyfriend turned to me and pointed to/put the tip of his finger on my upper chest and said, “When you were younger you had more breast there”. The comment was COMPLETELY out of the blue. He can’t understand why I am upset by it.

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