He Tried to Kill Me


At about 10:37pm last night, I’m pretty sure my boyfriend tried to kill me. Alright, that was a ridiculous exaggeration. Allow me to explain…

We were going through our normal “getting ready for bed” routine; him picking out his dress shirt for the next day while I turned off the Christmas lights and continuously told Archie that he was beautiful and perfect, while singing to him. Like I said, normal. N was flipping through button downs in the closet and I knelt down to give Archie a hug.

In a moment, I saw Archie jump away from me. Instantly confused, I was suddenly struck from behind.

Now do me a favor, will you? Put your chin to your chest and reach around the back of your neck. Feel that roundish bone sticking out? Something had hit me exactly on that. Let me tell you, if your back had a funny bone, I assure you that is it. I instantly had a weird headache feeling in my jaw and my whole body felt frozen as the ironing board crashed to the floor next to me.


And then N started with “Oh my God, I’m so sorry” and “Are you okay? Are you okay?” because as he had accidentally (obviously the key word here) bumped the closet door, the ironing board had fallen. I realize this doesn’t sound painful but 1. I am a huge wuss and 2. The leg of the ironing board had hit me at exactly the wrong spot.

I couldn’t figure out if I was just shocked or in pain. Is that feeling in your funny bone pain? Not quite. It’s something else but it just pulses through your whole body. It felt like that. My eyes were really wide and I just mumbled “I’m going to sit down.” And then I did.

N hovered, still apologizing and looking all deer-in-the-headlights, terrified. Naturally, tears started spewing from my eyes. I assured him that I was okay but it just took me by surprise, I wasn’t hurt. I sat for a minute and then got up. He then drops this one on me: “I thought that you thought I did it on purpose…” Um, WHAT?

In nearly three years of dating this man, I have never for a single second thought he would hurt me in any way. Literally, zero physical, emotional, verbal violence in our relationship. He went on and explained that the look on my face looked like fear and he thought for a second that I was afraid of him, which in turn totally freaked him out.

Um, that was just regular shock. At what point in a normal, healthy, loving relationship does one person jump to a conclusion that the other is trying to kill them? Never, that’s when. N, I adore you but you are a complete goober. Yes, I just said goober. So after a good hug and a “why the hell would you think that?” or two, everyone is a-okay.

But I’ll never let him live it down, that’s for sure. Hey N, remember that time you tried to kill me with an ironing board?

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