Scarier than Surgery?

This is what my yesterday looked like. It wasn’t what I’d call fun but I slept for over 16 of the last 24 hours. Archie did what he could to help the healing process. Not.

Complete and total disregard for personal space. Big thanks to N for letting this happen and even capturing a photo of it. Nothing says helpful to healing like a 50lb. dog walking all over you.

In truth, I am grateful to have had my love by my side the entire time. This guy held my hand for a total of at least 5 hours yesterday, kept my family updated on how I was doing, and even got my favorite pizza for dinner without me even asking.

Throughout this process I’ve tried to decide what to keep private and what to share. While I’ve decided to keep mostly quiet about this, I can assure you that it wasn’t elective and you won’t see me whippin out some double D’s or a brand new nose. But did get me thinking about a larger fear.

I’ve been blogging for about a year and a half and I’m about to let you in on my biggest secret: blogging scares me

For so many reasons, blogging is scary. We have to hold back enough that we maintain our personal safety but share enough that readers want to come back, all while staying true to ourselves. Finding that balance is hard. 

I live in constant fear that a future employer will find my blog and refuse to hire me because of it. For that reason, I censor myself a bit. I wish I didn’t have to. Am I the only one who worries about this? What if somewhere down the road, some post I wrote about the time I slept in a bathtub or the time I made myself into a gif comes back to haunt me? What if it keeps me from changing the world? 

In real life, I’ve been told I lack a filter. What I think in my head generally flies out of my mouth with little regard to the situation at hand (as you might have guessed from this post). Some say animated, some say obnoxious. I don’t have the luxury of allowing this to translate completely to the blog world. 

I really don’t want to be boring. And desperately want to be myself. I don’t know if I’ve figured out how to do both yet. I so envy women like Raven who put it all out there and are unafraid. I just don’t know if I have a thick enough skin to truly say exactly what I’m thinking all the time and handle the backlash.

I also really don’t want to get murdered.Totally normal, right? I can just imagine winding up a Dateline Special about the blogger who put all her business out there in the world, so what did she expect? And this is why I won’t go in our basement alone. Or why I live “back east” and not in any specific place. Or why you won’t find my last name anywhere. I don’t want to inspire any episodes of Law & Order: SVU, thankyouverymuch.

I also want to be liked. I fear criticism. I’ve never handled it well. Maybe that means blogging isn’t the best forum for me but it’s also something I really love. So just know, I’m still looking for that balance. Some days, I want to pretend I’m a Buzzfeed writer. Others, I want to obsess over my dog child. My world isn’t all sunshine and sparkles. I want to share that. But sometimes it’s pretty freaking awesome and I want to share that too.  What scares you about blogging?

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  • I get scared that my future employers will find me too! I’m a nanny so I am employed by families who probably spend way too much time on the internet like myself! I am also scared of criticism…even if you avoid politics, religion, sex, etc…that does not give you a free ride to criticism-free blogging. I haven’t recieved any negativity yet but I am trying to keep that out of my energy field.

    All my family and friends know about my blog and I always say that it is hard putting yourself out there, but there is something about getting older (almost 30) that I just don’t really care about anymore. I want to share my stories and experiences. I want to be REAL with the world.

    Ginny:)
    http://www.buttergirldiaries.c

  • Yes to all of the above (and kisses for that bad boy Archie!). I also find it hard to balance baring everything with giving readers JUST ENOUGH to keep coming back. I think you’re doing a fabulous job though (and I sometimes envy your writing skills. true story).

    Hope you recover soon!

  • I’ve had some of the same thoughts. I always just cross my fingers and hope that my future employers can’t read English.

  • I love love love your blog and your writing–that said, I did notice you’ve never shared what city specifically you live in and I’m dying to know! But I totally understand your fears, and I’m afraid sometimes I put way too much out there. Not so much because I might get murdered, mostly just because of the job aspect like you mentioned!

  • I TOTALLY relate to your sentiments. Wait, backtrack, first of all I hope you are doing ok! That sounds like a not-so-fun thing to have to deal with.
    Back to blogging (are you still with me?), I really want to be super honest and open on my blog, but your thought about “will I future employer find this? Will it stop me from changing the world?” is constantly on my mind too. Also, I don’t have a super thick skin either. Sometimes I’m scared to write negative opinions about something because I don’t know how well I’d handle hearing from people who don’t agree. It’s definitely something I need to work on, but also don’t really know where to begin! Anyways, I hope you’re doing better and I appreciated this post. 🙂

  • 1. I hope everything is ok and that you recover quickly!

    2. I fear a lot with blogging. Because I teach in a high school, I decided to disable my blog showing up in search results (which definitely sucks when it comes to hoping for new followers!). If one of my administrators found my blog, and I had mentioned ANYTHING about a student, I could potentially lose my job because of security reasons. It’s scary to think about!

  • I totally relate to your fears about blogging! I hope your recovery goes well, thinking of you!

  • Glad you had your man by your side the whole time, and jealous that you were able to eat Pizza right away!

  • Can I first just say, wow you who looks that gorgeous in a hospital gown?? I hope you are recovering quickly!! Personally, I don’t fear much with blogging. I probably should though, right??

  • I hope you are feeling better and Archie stopped climbing on you!! I understand the fears too…I am SO bad at filtering myself though. I probably have wayyyy too many pictures of my boozey weekends haha I recently started looking for new jobs and I am just keeping my fingers crossed that no one googles me and finds my blog!

  • Wow, this is hand down so perfect. I’m pretty darn scared about what blogging might do to me in the future, but it’s important with all those flaws and fears, comes great things like friends, followers, and maybe some mula if you’re advertising!

    Best of luck recovering, and I’m sure Archie meant well 😉

    Casey xoxo
    http://aucasey.blogspot.com

  • Hope you’re feeling better enough to snuggle with Archie!
    I personally have this thing called ‘fuck it’ in my system where I just say anything and everything :p

  • The dog photo is cracking me up! You have a very good boyfriend for doing all of that, too! I hold back what I blog about sometimes, too, for the same reasons/fears. And I am well aware that when someone Googles my name, my blog is on the first page, so I always keep that in mind, too.

  • Sending wishes for a speedy recovery! And I completely get what you mean about the whole blogger privacy thing, I didn’t really want to put my name out there even when I first started my blog, but then realised it’s so impersonal. I think it’s really hard to get that balance but think you are doing fabulously!

    Dannielle @ Chic-a-Dee

  • Wishing you a very speedy recovery!!

  • oh nadine, love this post. one of my faves from you. blogging scares me too, and the fears you wrote about I think we all have. I am terrified of being judged. I am also scared my writing is stupid and no one really cares. it’s such a fine line.

  • Hope you’re feeling much better! The best is that you have two loving guys to dote on you as long as you desire, even if Archie takes his role of keeping an eye on you a little bit to seriously and gets as close as possible, ha 🙂

    And totally hear you on the blogging end! It’s tough to maintain that happy medium of sharing enough to be welcoming but keeping what matters most under the radar… you’ve certainly mastered it though!

  • Glad you are okay! Surgery is scaaaaarrrrry!!!! I’ve never had anything major but I do have something potentially coming up at the end of the year and I am terrified. My sensor is that I try not to post anything that I’d die if co workers read. Like, I might not necessarily tell my co workers in detail about this new diet I’m trying or how I’m a quasi hoarder but I’d be okay if they found out. Fine line.

  • I hope you are doing better, surgery is awful! And I completely agree with what you said about blogging being scary – you do not want to share too much of yourself but then your blog may not define its’ niche!

    xx
    Kelly
    Sparkles and Shoes
    Don’t forget about the switch to BlogLovin!

  • I hope you’re okay and you have a quick recovery! I definitely don’t talk about certain topics on my blog for fear of who could be reading it.

    -Sharon
    The Tiny Heart

  • You have a good man there, and I hope you are feeling better very soon!
    The Grass Skirt

  • I recently went on a job interview, and the employer mentioned that he read my blog and specifically asked about a post I wrote about getting fired from my last job. So… yeah, I get scared that people can easily find my blog and read all about me. And I can’t help but wonder if that had anything to do with the fact that I didn’t get the job, even though the employer told me it wasn’t. I don’t know. It’s a fine line being open and honest while still attracting readers. I recently wrote a very political post that I was scared to death about. But at the end of the day, my blog is my space. Yes, I want to get more readers, but I can’t not be myself just so I’ll attract strangers. I guess what I mean is, I get this. Thanks for sharing. (I’m scared about the murder thing too. Someone could for real find me pretty easily.)

  • I’m so happy surgery went well and wishing you a speedy recovery, Nadine. Everything you said about blogging is sooo true!! I’m more paranoid about the stalking / Dateline Special / Law & Order part.. I don’t know, I’m just crazy like that, I guess. I think we all want to influence the world in our own way, and to find the balance of doing so + keeping things private is the toughest. I’m still trying to figure things out. I think you’re awesome and truly an inspiration! <3

  • I totally relate with you on this one. Blogging is terrifying. I’m constantly pulled in different directions, whether I want to be 100% myself but also leave it all up to the internet to interpret, especially future employers! Plus my name isn’t exactly popular. Anyways, I hope you feel better, you’ve got a good man by your side!

  • I am always worried about writing something that could come back to haunt me. It’s actually my single greatest cause of writers block. I write something out, get half way through it, and erase it because I’m worried about it.

    The fear of rejection is very powerful through the internet, especially with people hiding behind the anonymity to say hurtful things.

    I hope you heal quickly and that your fur baby snuggles lots! 🙂

  • Hope you have a speedy recovery!

    I am a new blogger so I am pretty scared myself! (does it get easier?) Only a few people in my personal life know about my blog. I am scared to tell people about it idk why….

  • Girl I am the same way. Sometimes I wish I could go on a crazy rant or tell some really funny details about our weekends or whatever, but I’m an attorney and I mean, people google me when they hire me. I can’t have all that out there potentially hindering my business. I censor for that reason as well, but honestly, there are a lot of things that don’t need to be said and I think that is ok! I also don’t want to get murdered either so I don’t like to tell blog world (or facebook or twitter or insta) that I’m not at home or exactly where I am. That just makes good sense to me!

  • Those are all legitimate fears that we can all relate to! It makes perfect sense and sometimes it’s better to be safe than sorry!! Wishing you speedy recovery 🙂

    Emily

  • I’m scared that I’ll post something I think it entirely funny or thoughtful…and then get crickets in the comments…and then release that in real life, no one thinks I am funny or thoughtful either and I will walk around in a daze wondering where all my comments are…insecurity at its best! most times I find the things I just ramble about and post in a flourish without much thought get the most reaction, so I guess I should stick to being a fly by the seat of my pants kinda gal! Bloggy is scary but so is anything that lets us be ourselves so we should just go with it!! 🙂 You do lovely!!

  • I like this! I have a pretty common name that doesn’t show up unless you google me with “blog” attached to the end of my name. Even then, there is another blogger who is HUGE that has an almost identical name to me, so I’m still covered. I’m more worried about putting my friend’s and family’s names on the internet. So they way I do it is I just put their first names, even if you KNOW my dad’s name is the same as mine, so their names are not Googleable by employers.

  • I hope you are doing okay! Your pup is like my cats…they constantly walk on my freakin chest! I basically threw caution to the wind and announced my husband was gone, thus I was home alone. I am still regretting it a bit because I don’t sleep though the night for fear that someone online found out and is coming to get me! I feel crazy!
    I love how real you are on your blog. Your thoughts are totally rational. 🙂

  • I’ve struggled with this a lot over the past few years. There was an incident where some jerk made a fake Facebook profile of me and caused a lot of BS and mess in my life. So when I started blogging more “seriously” in the last few months, this is always in the back of my mind. I do my best to keep where I live and my last name private (I’ve actually considering creating a pseudonym) but I know it’s out there and easy to find if someone wanted to find it.

  • Hope you’re feeling better now, and that what ever the surgery was for worked out for you 🙂 xx I’ve only recently begun blogging, and this fear of letting people know too much has been constantly in the back of my mind. I too am scared of people I know or future employers reading a post and the backlash that could be involved. But, at the same time, I don’t want to filter myself too much because my blog is such a great outlet for me to say and do the things that I really want and make me happy. I’ve not been so worried about the people finding me and killing me thing… but now that you say it… eeek!! Haha! Thanks for that one 😉 I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog and really appreciate your sincerity and candidness. Keep on being you and don’t worry about everyone else. You’ve got a solid following of supporters.

  • to be honest, the only reason why i feel safe putting my last name (i think i mentioned it in one post) or my location…is because i’m in korea. i feel so much safer here than anywhere else. and if someone wants to hunt me down half way around the world…well that’d be extra creepy.

  • ty

    Girl, I worried about stuff like that all the time. The way I kind of see it now, though (now that I’m employed, haha), if they don’t want to hire me because of me, I probably wouldn’t be very happy working there anyway.

    And can you get an extra “Fall Risk” bracelet and send it to me? PLEASE.

  • I hope you’re feeling ok!

    I’m the same way- I’m so afraid of the wrong person coming across my blog and really try to censor details out. Like, what if my therapy clients found out about my blog and read it? That’s just icky to think about.

  • My first visit so have no idea why you had surgery just hope you are all good now………
    blogging isn’t scary I have been doing it since 2005 at least………and I love it ok I am a little addicted to it……….lol

  • I feel ya! I am afraid of a future employer finding my blog. In fact, my blog was brought up DURING AN INTERVIEW. I froze. None of my friends know I have a blog. I’m afraid they’ll judge me. I don’t have the confidence just yet. How do you do it? How have you done it so far? I’m new to blogging and I just can’t get over my fear. I can’t even get myself to make a Twitter or Facebook for my blog because I’m afraid friends will see it.

  • Hope you’re feeling better!

    I know exactly how you feel about the censoring yourself while blogging. It irritated me so much that I started a new anonymous blog under a pseudonym and I’m such a happier blogger now! It’s an incredibly liberating feeling to just blog and interact with all these amazing ladies in blogland without the fear of being judged by friends or family who know me in ‘real’ life.

  • I think you hit the nail right on the head (and I have never used that expression before) but it has never been so true. I also have a fear that what I put out into the blogging world will come back to haunt me somewhere down the line.. similarly to you, I have been told I lack a filter in real life so I try to edit my posts the best to my ability – not easy as you know.. I think it’s a constant thing we will deal with *sigh*

    Hope you feeling better!

    x Natalie

    http://coraltintedperceptions.blogspot.com

  • I have a LOT of these same fears. I am a journalist by profession so what I write about for work is VERY different from what I write about on my blog, and I do worry about being taken seriously in the future if/when I want to change jobs and my new potential employer Googles me and finds my blog…but really, do I have anything to hide? Anyway, I’m right there with you. And whatever your procedure was, I hope it went well and you recover quickly!

  • Agreed. I recently had breakfast with a woman who I’d love to network with/learn from/get hired by and she asked me about my blog. Granted, she thinks it’s funny…but my funny side isn’t in line with my professional, intellectual side. It’s a really hard balance.

    Feel better soon!

  • Sometimes I feel the same way… but I have yet to put anything on my blog I regret the next day. I hope you have a speedy recovery girl!

  • I hope you’re doing ok. Going under can be scary (i had a minor procedure a week ago). Blogging is hard and scary, but for the record I think you do an amazing job. I too, lack a filter which is funny in close friend social settings not so good in professional interviews or online sometimes (they just can’t read the sarcasm). I think as long as you keep your professional life separate from what you blog about, then I think whether a potential employer asks about your blog it’ll be a moot point.

  • I hope you’re having a quick recovery! I definitely feel your pain about surgery AND blogging scares! I’m a new blogger and all my real life friends know I blog. I actually post on my personal facebook. So I always make sure I’m myself without posting anything that I wouldn’t want my parents, boss, or in-laws to read. And I love your writing! I subscribe faithfully!

  • I totally agree with this post! I have just recently started a blog, and I think about this a lot. I’m also very “filterless.” I feel like my blog could be amazing if I could say what I want to say and speak how I do to my close friends. Then, I think what would my mother in law be thinking if she read this? Or, could any of this stuff ever be used against me? I think you summed it up wonderfully.

    Following you on Blog lovin. Check out my new blog if you have a chance. I’d love to hear what you think.

    beautyandthegreek.blogspot.com

    -Em

  • oh goodness, I hope you are well on your way to recovery!

    Blogging scares me too – the thought that a future employer might not understand my blog/blogging & punish me for it is hella freaky to me! Oh and I don’t want anyone showing up at my house either 😉
    xx
    Here&Now
    Enter my jewelry giveaway!

  • Well I’m glad the surgery went okay! That’s the exact same way my dog would act too, except he’s 6lbs so it’s a bit better.

    I’m definitely scared of all the things you mentioned with blogging! I’ve actually wrestled with the decision lately about putting my blog on my resume. I put it on an application to an honor society and I’m pretty sure it helped me get in so I think it’d help with the job but then they’d actually read my blog and that’s too scary to think about so I left it off.

  • I completely relate to this post. I work in the music industry and blog alot about music. I always second guess myself when giving my opinion. My blog would be so much better if I didn’t filter.w
    Sarah
    http://Www.bluejeansandmelodies.com

  • I actually get scared about people I KNOW who read my blog. Because I know they’ll say something to me about it later, or comment on something, or take something out of context and not get what I’m saying… it’s hard. I’m afraid they’ll look at my differently or something. Shudder. If only it was just people I never have seen before in my life… that would be nice.

  • I haven’t been catching up on my fave blogs lately since being on vaca! I do hope you are feeling better and that all is well lady!!! I think what scares me most about blogging is that it will somehow turn out to be a chore and not fun anymore. I gave up on obsessing over following and commenting all the time in order to gain followers…I just do not have time in my life for that. I find that if I just have fun with blogging and not care who follows me then I am at an advantage 🙂

    xo Dinah @ Sunshine super glam

  • aww mama i think most of us have at least a small fear of being too open, being criticized and an overall desire to be liked.
    the way i see it, i try to keep my blog as open and honest as possible and i base my decisions on what to post by whether or not i would actually say what i’m posting to a group of strangers in public. (which is essentially what we’re doing anyway.) if my posts were just a series of text messages and i lost my phone, would i die of embarrassment and regret ever writing let alone thinking them? if the answer is yes, i scrap it.

    the truth is, yeah a future employer who reads my stuff, depending on the day, may question my sanity, my attitude and my ability to be a mature, responsible adult BUT anyone who works with me long enough is going to get a good dose of weird/crazy/snarky (and more) sooner than later. they’re either going to be completely charmed or appalled (i.e. i’ll keep my job or get super fired, super fast) i get that a lot of people don’t have the luxury of taking that kind of risk but everyone has the choice to either sensor themselves so much that everything is rainbows and unicorns OR you can be who you are and hang on hope that people will appreciate that you’re human. it’s really the same in the real world as it is in blogger world, right? <3

    LittleBirdBlogs

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