You NEED To Read This Before You Put on a Bikini This Summer

 

As we enter swimsuit season, I feel compelled to share my most embarrassing moment with you all as a warning. I shared this once before, back when N and my Mom were my only readers. As Summer is approaching, I decided it needed to be shared again in order to potentially spare you the brutal embarrassment I endured.

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, BUY A BATHING SUIT WITH A PLASTIC HOOK CONNECTOR.

Here’s why:

My family vacations at the same beach every year. If you grew up in the mid-atlantic, your family probably vacationed in one of three places:

  • “down the ocean” – Maryland
  • “down the shore” – Jersey
  • “at the beach” – Delaware

That is the proper east coast terminology. Weirdly, people rarely vacation in the same state they live in, even though the beaches are all pretty much the same.

This is what the beach looked like. No joke.

So I’m on my family vacation at the beach. My entire extended family (20 people+) stays in a big house that we rent all together. Then during the day, we all sit on the packed beach in beach chairs in a big half circle and chat and read books and just sit there.  In case you’re wondering, yes this is my ideal vacation. Sitting and talking and reading.

I’m sitting next to my Dad in a beach chair, reading a book that I absolutely can’t put down. I lift my hand, ever so slightly, to turn the page.

SNAP.

I see something fly out and land about 10 feet in front of me. Startled, I look down only to realize that I’m looking at my bare chest. MY BATHING SUIT CLASP HAD BROKEN AND MY BIKINI TOP SLING-SHOTTED OFF MY BODY ON A CROWDED BEACH. Did I mention that I was sitting right next to my Dad? Oh, and my whole extended family?

Naturally, I drop my book and cover myself with my arms. By this point, I’m attracting attention (but only from my own extended family – cause that’s better) My Step-mom screeches to my Dad, “John, GET HER A TOWEL!” My Dad is so mortified (for me? at me? because of me?) that he’s putzing around and cannot find a non-sandy towel. Sandy will do, Dad! Anything will do!

I decide that yes, laying face down would be best and would perhaps make it less obvious that I am topless on a non-topless beach. But have you ever tried to go from sitting to kneeling to laying down without using your arms? It’s not something that can be done gracefully. Allow me to paint a picture for you: I belly-flopped on to the sand, landing with a thud and nearly knocking the breath out of myself.

Eventually my Dad did find a towel which I then discreetly (but I mean, what’s the point now?) wrapped around me and casually walked up to the house to put on a different bathing suit top.

And that, friends, is why you should just go ahead and splurge on a good bikini top. OR….and you knew that was coming, didn’t you?…I’ve found a lifehack for cheap people. Because God knows I won’t spend more than $25 on a bikini top. Here’s what I do on all my cheap bathing suits now:

Back of Bikini Top

  1. Snap off the plastic hook. Smash it with a hammer, slam it in a door, do whatever you have to do but get that dang thing off.
  2. Now you’ve got a little loop on each side of your bathing suit but no way to connect it. Good. Now we need metal.
  3. Got a key ring? If not, you can order them for dirt cheap on Amazon but I usually can find one hanging out with some key that I’ve forgotten what it goes to.
  4. Loop it through both sides of the loops on the bathing suit. Sure, now you have to put your bikini on over your head. But I promise, it is worth it for the embarrassment I may be saving you from.

And now, since I’ve gotten all worked up talking about the Summer and bikinis and traumatic memories, here is my absolute favorite bikini trend for Summer 2014. I’ve way passed the point of wanting to wear skimpy bikini tops. While I have a one-piece, I want something in-between and tankini’s just look so…Mom. Enter – The Midkini!

swimwear summer

All swimsuits – Target.

FloralPolka DotBlackBlue ParrotFringe

Well, now that I’ve shared that, I’m outta here. Is it Friday yet?

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  • How mortifying! Seems like you recovered nicely though 😉 Pro-tip: Target bathing suits have metal clasps and are CUTE as anything. (and cheap!)

    Also, NJ down-the-shore goer representing!

    • All of those midkini’s I posted are from Target. I love their suits! In college I bought my bikinis from the cheaper collection at Victoria’s Secret. Beach Sexy, I think. Plastic clasps and not enough lining. Disaster waiting to happen.

      • Woops, totally missed that line there 🙂 they are super cute though! And yeah, can’t scrimp on the lining!

  • Omg this actually happened to me too!!! Also on a family vacation. I absolutely hate the plastic hooks but still buy suits with them bc they’re so cheap. I’m super paranoid it’s going to happen again. I remedied my situation with a ponytail elastic which also works like a charm!

    • Also a brilliant idea! I was so scared after this happened that I was like METAL. I want metal! haha

  • OMG this is hilarious, and so mortifying that I felt embarrassed for you while I was reading…I don’t think I could ever look my dad in the eyes again! Also, thanks for introducing me to the “midkini”. Since I’ve got a baby now and whatnot, I somehow feel like I need to retire my 8 million bikinis (my husband disagrees). I feel like this is a fair compromise!

    • It is, without a doubt, the most embarrassing moment of my life. I think the midkini is super cute and covers more stomach without being to “mom” ish. I bet your husband will agree.

  • Yup. Happened to me ALL.THE.TIME with the plastic hook. I finally just caved and bought a new bathing suit top because I was so sick of giving everyone at the pool a free peep show every five minutes. The key ring is a GENIUS idea – nice work!

    xo

    • Someone else suggested that hairties work as well. I prefer metal though!

  • So embarrassing, but a great tip! My family always used to rent a house down the shore, it was so much fun. Now that we’re all older it unfortunately doesn’t happen anymore. I’m loving the midkini trend too, they’re so cute! I’m especially loving your floral and parrot picks!

    • The beaches of the east coast are underrated.You don’t have to go all the way to Florida for some fabulous beaches!

  • Samantha

    I literally laughed out loud lol that’s terrible! Lesson learned right? And post baby #2 is ruining my motivation to go bathing suit shopping ugh

    • There are some super cute one pieces also. I bought one last year and it looks all vintage and cute.

  • What a mortifying story! I am so beyond glad that has never happened to me. But on a much more positive note, I am totally in love with the “midkini”. I may have to make a Target run for one of these bad boys. So cute!

  • I feel your pain! One time I was body surfing in the waves with some guys (you know, thinking I was hot stuff) and I stand up after one wave, completely topless…. hahaha thank god there were no cameras around!!

    • So embarrassing! The beach is a risky place, isn’t it? lol

  • That is terrible!! I had the same thing happen to me, but less traumatically so. My husband and I were on our honeymoon in Jamaica, and I was wearing a swimsuit from Target, because who pays more than $14.99 for a swimsuit? It had a plastic connector and popped off when I bent down. At least no one was really around, and I caught it before it fell completely off. Now I buy the tops that are stretch and just tied in the back. The way you told the story was hilarious–even a sandy towel would do when you’re sitting around baring it all to your family:)

    • If mine had straps, I would have been okay. It was a bandeau one though so it really just made a sling shot. I try to buy tie back ones now also and then I double and triple knot them.

  • Oh gosh girl, no! I swear, I would rather walk naked down a beach filled with strangers than have my dad see me topless. I feel for you;) Love the life/bathing suit hack…genius!

  • Yikes, that is pretty mortifying. I am definitely going to go check my bikini tops to see if any have the plastic thing and then I am smashing it with a hammer. Thanks for the tip, I’m definitely taking this one to heart!

  • oh my gosh. this is amazing and horrifying! though I seriously laughed out lot at you saying your top sling shotted off your body. classic! I am definitely going to be more careful now! oh and the other day in ballet classic one strap of my leotard broke because of the plastic hook! luckily I did not flash anyone though, but still! damn cheap plastic.

    • Plastic just can’t be trusted. I try to only buy bathing suits that tie in the back now or I really do snap the plastic right off. Hopefully even if you had flashed someone, I’m guessing ballet class is mostly ladies 😉

  • Laughed out loud. And now I’m going to be extra cautious about buying swimsuits, so THANK YOU!

  • I really like the idea of a midkini! Nice for that extra little strip of coverage under the bust. As for your story, sounds so unfortunate for you and your dad especially! oyyy. I wouldn’t have thought of a key ring as a backing, good tip!

  • Oh my gosh! Those are all super cute swimsuits, I bought one kind of that style last year (Bryan isn’t a huge fan, but all the girls in my life think it is cute, I don’t think guys understand). I can’t even imagine what I would do if my swimsuit flew off in front of my father, I think he might be more embarrassed than me though.

    • I can’t tell you how many pieces of clothing I own that N “doesn’t get”. He also will describe the women in my life who have eclectic fashion sense (that I think is super cute) as “she dresses weird”. Lovely.

  • How mortifying! I’ll definitely have to keep this in mind as I search for a new bathing suit…

    And that vacations sounds awesome. Sharing a huge house with my family and reading and talking? Yes please!

  • I had a similar incident happen. Good times. I grew up in York, PA and we would either go to the ocean or the shore. It just depended. We looked down at people that went to the beach.

    • Really? That’s so funny to hear. We always go to the beach. I went to the Jersey shore for the first time about three years ago and kind of thought it was exactly the same as like Rehoboth Beach or Bethany Beach in Delaware.

  • Wow! I can’t believe that happened to you!! Thanks for sharing even though it is embarrassing.

  • Oh yes, having dad right there makes the memory extra special.

    Seriously though, awesome idea!

  • LOL! Oh, I don’t mean to laugh at you but that’s kind of a great story! Note taken! I will definitely be checking all my suits before wearing them this season!

  • I’m always quadruple tying my bathing suits hahaha, I just don’t trust them! This sounds absolutely mortifying…

    Also looooved your Q&A series! Really enjoyed getting to read more about you!

  • Those plastic hooks are the WORST! Cuuuute bikinis though!

  • HAHAHA sorry to laugh at your plight but I’ve been there! My bathing suit broke in the front though. It was a wooden ring and one of my favorite suits in college. Thank GOSH it broke while I was still in my room putting it on to go to the pool though.

    • You’re lucky it broke then and not when you were with other people! Bummer that your suit was a goner though.

  • Oh wow! I apologize for gaining pleasure from your pain, but this post made me laugh out loud so hard. I was trying to read it out loud to my husband afterwards, and I could hardly get through it. I’m very thankful my bathing suit ties up. Since I enjoyed your story so much, I linked to this post in the weekly articles I’ve enjoyed round up I do on my blog. Thanks!

  • I just went back and read this from your post today. I about died! You handled this so much better than I would have haha

  • that happened to me as well but we were at Cocoa Beach with lots of people. metal may burn but it is safe

  • classycouture23

    Thank you so much for sharing this tip! I was just about to send a bikini top back because I felt the clasp was too flimsy, and this saved me!

  • Abby Love

    I recently had a metal swim suit hook break! It was from Victoria’s Secret and it broke completely in half!

  • tctflower

    I wa staying at atlantis as a 15 year old when my plastic hook snapped in the middle of the lazy river! I was mortified. I managed to hold it on until there was a place to get off and ran to the bathroom, somehow tied it together, and started the walk across the resort to change. great way to waste and hour of your day and flash every teenage boy around, yikes

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