Dear Prince He-Who-Has-Not-Been-Named,

Well by all means, take your sweet ass time getting here. It wasn’t like there were 800 reporters camped outside of the hospital for weeks in the middle of the hottest month of the year or anything. And no, it didn’t urk me at all that I had to check every hour for the last 10 days for updates on your arrival.

Every day for the past week I woke up thinking, today is the day I write that dear royal baby post! And then it wasn’t. If I actually had a blog schedule, you would have screwed it all up. But no matter, you’re here and I’m just thrilled that E! News wasn’t talking about Amanda Bynes again tonight. It was all you, kid.


Your parents haven’t released your name yet, but we all know it’ll be something boring. Still, I think we American’s secretly hope your parents will go the way of Jay Z and Queen B (American royalty, kid) and name you something totally outrageous. Prince Jett Thatcher Noah Lennon Sawyer. By all means, suggest that to your parents, but the bookies are saying you’re bound to be Prince George Richard Philip McBorington. (Bookies, take note of my prediction, because I totally called North West so I’ve got a streak going) You’ve still got a shot of being fun though, cause your Uncle Harry’s name is Henry Charles Albert David and boy, does he keep things interesting.

And that’s why you’re our favorite Royal, Harry. Come back to Vegas anytime but please leave your Nazi costume at home.

Now let’s start with yo mama. No jokes at her expense, I promise. It’s just that she’s the reason I even give a damn about you. Why? Because she’s a regular effing woman! Who married a Prince! If your Pops had married some hoity-toity royal beeyotch I woulda been like, eh who cares. But if the Lifetime movie version was even close to right (they always are), the Prince of freaking Britain married his college hook up buddy. Hell to the yes, a modern day romance. So regular girl Kate is your mama and we’re all sunshine and roses about it, kid.

Although now that I think about it, she couldn’t have gained more than 10 pounds while pregnant with your 8 pound butt so maybe she isn’t such a regular woman after all. We would hate her for it but since we’ve all been half way up her va-jay-jay all week, I think we all need to just give her a round of applause and an apology.


And now one last thing. I don’t think a single person on earth knows your last name. You know, for being royalty your family sure does keep it casual. Just Prince [first name]. Hell, we even call your mother Catherine, Kate. So I wikipedia’ed it, and sure enough, your Dad, Pop-Pop, and your cool Uncle Harry all have a slew of first names and not a single damn last name. Unless of course it’s “House of Windsor”. Personally I always hoped to be a Gryffindor but looks like you’ve been sorted into Windsor and that’s that. Still, I’m 90% sure that isn’t your last name either. Good luck taking your SAT’s kid. You’re out 200 points right there.

Here’s to hoping you’re a ginger!

With love from America,

  • This post is hilarious. I’m pretty sure I laughed out loud the whole time I was reading it!

  • This post is hilarious. I’m pretty sure I laughed out loud the whole time I was reading it!

  • I clicked on this post with high hopes. You never disappoint with your baby posts dear… maybe if I pop out another one you can write him/her a personalized e-mail that I could display at her 18th birthday party (total Pinterest shit right there).

  • Yay for the Royal Baby!

    Sparkles and Shoes

  • Wales is the last name both Harry and William uses – their official last name is Mountbatten-Windsor.

  • Luved this, super funny 🙂

  • I’ve been secretly hoping that his name is just a random smattering of Harry Potter characters names. I loved this post.

  • Huh… I never noticed that we have no idea what their last name is. Go figure! But all of the cool people don’t have last names, so I guess it’s ok.

  • Haha. Your name is much better!

  • I just shot my coffee out of my nose. So funny!

  • I want Gryffindor too!

  • Finally, a royal baby post that was actually funny and not mean. Well done! I loved this 🙂

  • I’ve never thought about the last name but I think he should be Gryffindor house too, or at least Ravenclaw.

  • They don’t have a last name! That’s why on William’s military uniforms where most people have a last name his just says “Windsor.”

    Fact for the day.

  • This post is so great. It made me laugh. Here’s to the royal baby!

    ~Ashley (A Cute Angle)

  • I love this! Haha. I laughed out loud at my desk and got funny looks. But am I the only one who wanted to be sorted into Ravenclaw…?

  • 10 points for Windsor!! Seriously, Best post. #royalbabywatch was a holiday for me yesterday. And the ginger reference…touchy subject. Dang you Harry.

  • haha this is a great post! I think my fav. prince will always be Prince Harry!


  • That is hilarious! Great Post! Loved it!

    XX, Lizzy

  • I just peed my pants I think. Bravo

  • YFG

    Love the post (per usual) but I have to bust your bubble. Amanda Bynes will most certainly be back in the news today because that crazy beeyotch set a fire in the driveway of an old folks home and is not on an involuntary psych hold. Or something ridiculous like that.

    Cheers to the royal babe and crazy Bynes!

    • YFG

      Now, not “not”… that’s what happens when you get hopped up on celebrity gossip and hit submit too fast.

  • god, i love kate middleton. i hope the names has something crazy like an Z, X, or Y in it!

  • I’m befuddled as to why they don’t have last names? So much for nicknames, like “Hey, Middleton!” or anything like that.

  • This is seriously the best post ever. And I love Kate. Can you believe what she looks like 24 hrs post baby? Definitely not ‘regular’!

  • Great post, I hope the new prince gets a decent name and not some stuck up name although Harry has a bit of stuff name but thanks to his mum he was call Harry and not Henry

  • can he please look like harry but with dark brown hair?

    mmmk thanks

    xo The Egg

  • So funny!!! I’ve been obsessed with the baby all along too!!

  • I have been checking social media like crazy for news on the arrival of the ROYAL BABY. The day is finally here!

  • It’s totally going to be boring. Well dressed and rich, but boring. I really want them to name him Charming.

  • Now that he’s here can we get back to Amanda Bynes? I can’t help it! Watching her unravel has become an addiction.
    (I’m not an awful person. I’ll be just as obsessed with her come back. I’m totally convinced it’ll be better than Britney’s)


  • This is hilarious!! The Harry Potter reference is my favorite. I am DEFINITELY hoping he’s a ginger!

  • Your naming skills astound me and the HP bit is great.

  • I was ridiculously excited for the royal baby too!

    Oh, and on his military paperwork, William’s last name was listed as Wales, because his pops is the Prince of Wales. So I’m guessing wee Prince George’s last name is Cambridge?

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