Dear Baby Kimye,

Right now, as you sleep sweetly at Cedars-Sinai Hospital (where all celeb kids are born), the world impatiently awaits the reveal of your – sure to be ridiculous – name. 
 
In fact, as you were born on Saturday and it is now Tuesday, this is the longest the Kardashians have managed to keep their mouths shut about anything. With their combined 70 million twitter followers, I think they deserve a nice slow clap for this astounding effort.
 
Before long, you’ll figure out that you’ve got some um, unique parents.
 
kim and kanye
Growing up, I thought my parents were embarrassing. Yours are way worse. Wait until your friends see your Mom’s sex tape or your Dad shames the worlds biggest pop sensation on stage at an awards show. There isn’t even a word for how embarrassing your teen years could be.
 

Other things to note:
 
Your Mom is the worlds ugliest crier. If you could try not to push her to that point, you’ll be saving the world from having to see this again, which we would all greatly appreciate.
 

 
Your Dad now refers to himself as Yeezus. Yes, Yeezus. I’m not sure if they’re going to take you to church or your Dad will just teach you all about him and how amazing he is. In fact, he even has a track on his new album called “I Am A God.” Plus, he is the Steve Jobs of music and is the absolute best at dishing out compliments (to himself). 
 
kayne as jesus

You’ve been born into what is essentially America’s First Family of reality television. Let’s recall the first season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, shall we? Your mom posed for Playboy, your aunt got a DUI, and your other aunt had a pregnancy scare. It’s been a bumpy ride since then but since your extended family made $65 million last year,  my guess is they’ve got a lot to teach you.
 

Now let’s talk about your friends circle. The average 3 day old baby doesn’t have many friends, but you, child, you’ve got some pretty famous ones. 
 
Besides your cousins, Mason and Penelope, Blue is your go-to girl. Yes, Blue. Sure, you’ll learn that color when you get around to coloring with crayons, but first you’ll learn about the Princess of Hip-Hop herself. 
 
Since your Dad and her Dad are besties, I bet you’ll spend plenty of time together. Heck, maybe your parents will name you North [West] and then you and Blue can put out a clothing line together in 20 years, Blue North. We’re already excited about it. 
 

 
Your upbringing is bound to be over the top and you’ll certainly have plenty of material for therapy. You’ll wear only designer clothes, globe trot on private jets, and you’re first pictures will go for at least $1 million. And between your Uncle Scott and Daddy Kanye, no one will ever bother serving you a slice of humble pie. 
 
We can’t wait to meet you, little Baby Kimye! Don’t let that go to your head, but if you’re anything like your Dad, it will.

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  • This poor kid is going to have one heck of a cray cray life for sure. I can’t believe the name of this kid…I mean it revivals Apple.

  • Nailed it girl, so so funny.. and sadly true!

  • Holy. Shiz. You’re brilliant.
    That is all.

  • this is too funny. especially the ugly crying picture. I know they are crazy but somehow can’t not watch keeping up with the kardashians!

  • This is perfect.

  • This is like something you’d see on Suri’s Burn Book. Love it.

    Also, is Kim only allowed to be in relationships with guys with “K” names? Kris, Kanye…just saying..

  • I love this! All of it. And he really calls himself Yeezus? Really? Good lord… {or should I say “Good Kanye”?} ha!

  • LOVE this. Too funny.

    Amanda
    diaryofanangrypregnantlady.blogspot.com

  • Best post ever! Leak is that the name is Kaidence Georgia Donda West!

  • Haha this is seriously genius and hilariously spot on…

  • This is seriously brilliant. haha.
    This poor baby. It has no chance of making it out normal.

    20somethingbusinesswoman.com

  • I saw the magazine picture first and I threw up in my mouth. But I still clicked to open this. This baby is so screwed.

  • Oh bless this baby. Looking to hearing about it’s shenanigans someday. Maybe since it’s baby’s parents are crazy, it will turn out normal as a way to rebel?

    Yeah probably not now that I think about it. Great post!!

  • OMG, I should know better than to read your posts at work. They always make me laugh. This one is no exception, FANTASTIC.

  • This post is amazing. Pure brilliance!

  • Love this post! Amazing!

  • You are so right! I dont think I will be surprised at all with what insane name they come up with.

  • I feel like it will be something like Kassius or Kitely or any other crazy “K” name.

  • This post is brilliant! I spend the entire time laughing and shaking my head in agreement! HAHA! Bravo!

  • I loved this. Me and my mom were talking last night about how she should be named North/South/East, but how she’ll inevitably get another “K” name.

  • lezbehonest here, everyone can hate uncle scott, but he will secretly be the favorite out of all the people in the baby Kimye’s life!

  • Umm this is spot on and perfectt. Thank you for this gem, Kanyr would be proud!

  • Hahaha I’m literally rolling on the floor! This was hilarious!

    -Frances @ Keynotes

  • That was one of the funniest posts I’ve read in a loooooong time! Thank you for that!

  • This post is amazing, I loved it! “This is the longest the Kardashians have ever kept their mouths shut about something…”

    Part of me wonders since she was so premature if there is something wrong and that’s why they are being so hush hush…?

  • This has to be the best post ever. I’m literally laughing out loud at my desk!

  • hahaha this is awesome!

  • HA! Oh man, I already feel sorry for that baby…

  • Hahaha this is all sorts of amazing!

  • This is FABULOUS!

  • Perfection.

  • lol. poor child. i was talking to my hubby how her life, although plentiful of material stuff, is going to be awkward. oh ya, and we started betting on when her first advertisement will be set up by her gramager.

  • Haha, I absolutely love this! I have been pretty much thinking the same things.

    Rikki @ lbyrikki.com

  • bahaha this is pure awesome!

  • You deserve a standing ovation for this post! I just laughed my butt off through the entire post! Thanks I needed that life and that poor poor child!

  • Hahahaha! is it bad that I didn’t even know she gave birth until now?

  • Wow!!! This is a incredible post, lol can’t wait to watch it grow up and see how it ends up like. Thanks for the hilarious post!

    Xo

  • How have I gone so long without ever reading your blog? Seriously funny. Seriously true. I can’t wait to read more from you!

  • L – O – L thank you for the laugh!

    http://dashofglamm.blogspot.com/

  • EWwwwwwwwwwwwwwww that first picture is REVOLTING! Nasty.

    Great post!

    Ginny:)
    http://www.buttergirldiaries.com

  • PS: I just shared this post with my entire (personal) facebook page! This was that good! Go Nadine:)

    Ginny
    http://www.buttergirldiaries.com

  • I don’t know whether to laugh at this or cry for the poor baby!
    The Grass Skirt

  • LOL. You are so fricken clever it hurts sometimes.

  • LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

  • This poor kid ha ha! Love this post 😀

  • hahahaha! this is great! i actually laughed out loud.

  • haha that was great. I really do want to know the poor girls name

  • This is perfect. Poor girl. Can’t wait to see how her teenage years end up. Maybe she’ll fool us all and turn out completely and utterly normal. In which case you’re right, she’s in for some serious embarrassment. And, how to you tell your kid you have a sex tape? That’s gonna be an awkward conversation.

  • Bahaha! This was hilarious and so right on. I hate that I can’t stop watching that family! Lol

  • The wait is killing me!! I still think Teen Mom Farrah beats Kim for ugliest cryer!

  • everyone needs to read this on a monday morning, guaranteed great week starter!

  • This made my day so true and so hilarious you hit the nail on the head!

  • DYING laughing. Oh how too funny. And I’m so scared for this poor child.

  • ugh. I know this is all true but ugh.

  • Oh. My. Goodness. HILARIOUS! Thank you.

  • Did you see the name? Kaidence Dondo or something? It could be worse.

  • That was hilarious!! Loved reading it even though I totally don’t keep up at all with any of the celebrity stuff happening, especially ones I don’t even like. Poor baby.

  • Hahaha the baby girl will have tough time for her mother’s tape. I was in shock when I heard about the pregnancy, uh this happened at last?

  • Hahahha I love this!!! The pics of Kim crying made my morning!

  • Oh Nadine! Why haven’t you been picked up by Jimmy Kimmel or SNL? This is seriosuly hysterical and soooo right!

  • Oh my goodness that was absolutely hilarious. Thank you for bringing a huge smile to my face! Haha, so many great points. She really is an ugly crier, gracious.

    erinbulger.blogspot.ca

  • I love everything about this. You are hilarious. That poor poor baby.

  • This is absolutely hysterical!

    xx
    Kelly
    Sparkles and Shoes

  • I agree 10000% with everything you wrote on your post. And this was too funny because its true. I feel sad for celeb kids.

  • Freakin Hilarious!! wow….this girl is going to be spoiled…OR MAYBE she will rebel against all Kardashian-like behavior and be sweet and down-to-earth?? hahah

  • Well, this post has officially made me a follower! Hilarious, you nailed this! Can’t wait to read more 🙂

    http://www.lifeasahoulihan.blogspot.com

  • This was HILARIOUS and so true. Poor kid she’s going to have an interesting upbringing!

  • Assuming that TMZ is correct…can we just talk about how spot on you are?!

  • When I first read this, I thought, “Just watch; they’ll totally name her North and I’ll have to congratulate Nadine for freakishly predicting it.” So that’s what I’m doing!!! Nice one, girl!

    Ugh holy cow my mom and I are amazed. Poor kid. Karma better “katch” up w/them. (Funny how this is way, way worse than Apple, etc.)

  • OMG too funny! love the post 🙂

    Claudia @ http://www.prettylittledahlia.com/

  • AS I was reading this, I had to go back and check the date to confirm that you actually predicted the name of Kimye’s baby! So crazy! Blue North – here they come!

  • I can’t believe you called this! Blue North… I’ll be waiting for it!

  • Ok….. You guessed their baby name correctly. I heard the name today and I thought it was a national joke or something because I remember you making fun of it, but no… that’s what they really named their baby. YOU PREDICTED THE NAME OF THEIR BABY. HOW AWESOME DO YOU FEEL?! Really! Oh my god!

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