Everything You Need to Be the Bloggiest Blogger on Instagram

Oh instagram. I love you. And more than that, I love all the instagram shenanigans everyone else does. I want to not like it but I do. And you know you do too.

  1. A white rug. What are you even doing if your whole house isn’t white with a side of white? I like to refer to any white fluffy or shag rug as a “blogger rug”. You know you know exactly what I’m talking about.
  2. A marble slab. Better yet…marble countertops! All of your cutsie office supplies and planners were born to be photographed on marble.
  3. A Starbucks cup. Who better to pose with? Starbucks cups are to bloggers what bouquets are to bridesmaids. Sure, it’s kind of dumb but WTF would they be doing with their hands otherwise?
  4. Fresh flowers. Because let’s be honest, pineapples had their moment but fresh flowers are instagram timeless.
  5. Your legs, but only from mid-thigh to toe. Because taking a picture of yourself from above while sitting is super easy. Bonus points if you’re sitting on a blogger rug.
  6. Coffee. Because first, coffee. And don’t you ever forget it (and bloggers won’t let you every single Monday morning). Bonus points if “coffee lover” is in your Instagram profile. Double bonus if you use the coffee emoji.
  7. liketoknow.it Do you? DO you really like to know it? Cause sometimes I like to like it and not get 40 emails a day. K thanks.
  8. A cute dog and/or baby. Well I am nailing this one (thanks Archie). Double points (and maybe even a book deal) if your dog likes to cuddle with your baby.
  9. A bar cart. I don’t know anyone in real life who has one of these. I swear. I buy wine by the box (gimme some credit, we go for the $20 box) and drink the box (in a reasonable fashion) and then go out and get another box. Do other people not do this? Are all you bar cart owners making fancy cocktails for yourself all the time? Or did you just spray paint that shit gold for the insta?
  10. Donuts. Cupcakes are dead to me. It’s all about donuts now. For the record, you could not tempt me with a donut. Croissant, yes. Savory scone, yes. But those don’t get nearly as many likes, now do they?

Catch ya later guys. Gotta go take a few pictures of my perfectly manicured fingers wrapped casually (but placed exactly so as not to look claw like) around a white mug. If I’m feeling crazy I might even get my insta husband to take a few pictures of me glancing off into the distance and pretending not to notice him while freezing my ass off (but pretending not to) in the 19 degree weather while not wearing a jacket. It’s worth it so you all can see my completely generic styling of the stuff everyone else is wearing too.

Annnndddd that’s all the snark I’ve got for today.

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